A room of my own ... A life of my own ...

Angela Maria De Nobrega Freitas, BSc Hons., Social Sciences, Open University, DipGeog., Open University - MLit., Literature, studied, Open University, MPhil., and Playwriting, studied, Birmingham University. □□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□□♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡□□□□□□□□ I acquired a room of my own the moment I left home. I left home when I was nineteen, and attained work and got on with my life. Even though I had been in a relationship for most of my life, first of all with my family and then with my boyfriend, a steady relationship, of some years together, then with a boyfriend who became my fiance and we lived together for many years. I set off to be independent and to live on my own at age forty-two, it should be a big deal for the person who came along and caused that, a responsibility should be observed by the person i loved at the time, that's all i ask. I have always felt I was very lucky with both my boyfriends in that they both loved me respectively and never looked outside our lives to anyone else. My first boyfriend and I were together before, during and after University, during the first year my first boyfriend lived in halls of residence, where I was at home living with my family, I always felt my boyfriend was very sensible in never getting involved with anyone else, and loved me completely and solely, we spent many week-ends during that year apart, together. He started a graduate training scheme with lots of other young people and again, only our love for each other sustained us and us only. We parted, we were both devastated, after seven years together and I then lived with my second boyfriend, and he worked with a lot of other people, lots of women and men who liked him, and again, never would it have crossed my boyfriend's mind to become embroiled with anyone else. We broke up, sadly, devastation doesn't quite describe what we went through during the break up, the same devastation on both occasions, because I fell in love utterly and completely with another person, an older person and I could just not get over it. He too fell in love with me, and sadly our love never happened. Whilst he was able to move on from me, i found i could not move on from him, I'm still in love, because of him, but we are not together. Living on my own has meant making my own decisions and living through a number of difficulties which have somehow passed by and taken a little knock out of me here and there. I only started living completely on my own some eight years ago, I met another boyfriend who was in my life for some seven months, I had been on my own for just over a year before that, he liked me and persevered, we were together, then we agreed to break up, sad, and now we are friends. However, this has been the longest time I have been with no-one special in my life, some six years, a long time, i have looked to the person who could be in my life to be that special person, because I feel he perhaps may see me as special to him too, but he keeps on being away, when he should perhaps try a little more to at least speak with me again, to honour what he has been asking of me, to love him again, like i loved him before, it seemed to be what he wanted, perhaps he wants that still, i don't know, i can't know for sure, he loves me, but he is not here as he should be, with me, for him i am willing to try, i have been trying, i want to love him for him, not so much for me, if he told me he loves me I could perhaps be happy to love him for me, if he is having sex with other people, a reality, I have to be careful of that situation that knowing those realities, that those realities don't set in and hurt me, I have to be careful of that, and I'm sure he would agree that perhaps that's sensible, I could be with him, for a little while, if after a short space of time he said he was leaving me for a time, i would have to let him go and close the relationship, he has to be sure of himself and of me, but, i too am worthy of special love and i don't want to be on my own. I want to feel safe and to be with him, for him, I do find myself in love again, because he returned, in a manner of speaking, it has been a terribly upsetting time since I saw him again, but I became susceptible to him when I realized his interest in me again, oh, some time ago, 2009, to be precise, if he loves me I love him, if he doesn't love me I will stop loving him, however, i will always care about him, i want him to be a good person, which i'm sure he is and deserving of my love, and me too to be deserving of his love, if not we both will remain with only a rosy view of each other to sustain us apart from all the hurt. There have been miles and miles of hurt between us, i'm prepared to at least try, for him, for me, I'm not sure of his love, not until he tells me, I love him, and I would like him to tell me he loves me and wants me again, if that is what he wants, i'm prepared to want him back, I would rather be in love than not be in love. I would like the chance to do right by him and love him, and if he could do the right thing by me and love me, our lives might be complete, at least so long as he wished to nurture love between us. I really have no way of knowing how he feels about me, I've let go of upsetting occurrences, as best as i can, I am trying to see a way through to loving him again, I can only go so far, deep love between us can only happen again if we are together, I'm on my own, I'm not with anyone so I am free to love him more sensibly, for him, I would welcome him if he wants me and if he is genuine, then I welcome that, very much. I can only say I love him if he is here for me to tell him that, otherwise I can't tell him that. I don't wish to become involved with lots of people, I don't at this moment in time wish to be involved with anyone else, but him, to give things between us a try, i would at this moment in time continue with my life as it is, however, i am lonely, he makes me feel lonely because one moment he is saying he loves me and wants to be with me, next moment he is saying different things altogether, and its confusing, i am not standing still, i'm evolving as a person, and i'm educated, i'm prepared to give things a go between us because i know he has feelings for me which may be love, if so, i'm happy to love him if he wants me to love him, i don't want to say no, and i would love for him to have the opportunity of speaking with me so that he can get to know me, and me with him, to speak with one another, see where life takes us, I could take care of him and love him, and so long as he didn't fly off and hurt me because of some ill-imagined reason that I can't fathom, I would like to be in love, for him, only with him. I appreciate life happens because that is the nature of life, we evolve and it's important to recognize that. I live in my own flat, its quite small, but I'm comfortable here, I'm happy, I'm always happy to come home after I've been away or out somewhere, its not what i'm accustomed to in terms of size, but its fine, this is the home i've created since being in love with him then, the resultant situation, a break up, a parting of the ways, me living on my own because i loved a man once who wants to love me, i think, i can't explain his hurtful behaviour towards me, its unexplainable, however, I would love for the person I've agreed to love to spend a little time with me, here, to know how I live, where I live my life, really, I will say i love him, because he asks that of me, and I loved him unremittingly once, I can love him again, i can try, if that is what he wants from me, and I want him here, too, if that is what would make him happy. I don't want him to hurt me because i don't deserve that, and i certainly have no wish to hurt him in any way. Could we be sexual with each other, I think so, I think it's a pre-requisite to us being together as a couple. Some people may say we are not suited, but I want him to know, I love him now, and that he suits me very well, he is a human being, someone to be cherished, not be messed about with. This is my room, my life, I am in love, because of him returning to my life, and I'm here. He doesn't really know me, how can he, we have never had that crucial time together, I don't really know him as a person, it was all eyes, warmth, love, heat, truly, love, does he remember, I don't know, does he love me at all or enough to speak with me and tell me, i don't know that either, can he know me enough to trust in me, i would hope so, could i trust in him, i would hope so. Is he worthy of love, of course, of course he is worthy of love, me too, i too am worthy of love, with each other, should he be free and if that is the course of our lives, we will see, time will tell. A room of my own ... A life of my own ... Angela De Freitas